in the fires of my heart...
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Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Sorry for not blogging for so long... It's just that I have no mood to blog and nothing much to brag about as well... How's the new year so far? It's been as smooth as I hoped it will be so far... No complains... Yet... Oh yeah... I forgot... Happy New Year!!! I know it's late but better late or never... The past year was a tad different than the year before... I guess, I was just lucky then... I am looking forward to the new year... More challenges to overcome and I may or may not come out victorious but I will move on... No worries... My mom asked me one weird question just now... Randomly, she asked, you don't have a boyfriend is it? I was like, no and I have better things to do... Like studying again... She didn't pursue the matter any further... And the other day, she told me, kesian anak aku... Sorang sorang dier... Then I gave her my one-eyebrow-up stare and walked off... What's wrong with her anyway? No worries, Mom... I can take care of myself with or without anyone... I don't mind going about my life myself... Hidup sendiri mati sendiri ji... No problem... All I gotta do is pray so that my life will go as I wants it to be... Insyaallah... Insyaallah, I will be pursuing my further studies this year.. A degree in mathematics... I've been saving as much as I can but not as much as I wanted to... But I manage to save up some so it's still better than nothing... All I wanna do right now is to be by myself and enjoy the peace I am having after so long... Its as though I never did have peace until recently and I wanna enjoy it as long as I can... I like being by myself... No fuss, no time wasted, nothing... Nothing at all!!! Do not make me use criticism so that you will buzz off... I already did that and life was peaceful... I never want to do it again because I know I ain't perfect and never will be... I can't ask nicely either because I am and never nice... So just mind your own business... I don't need anymore nonsense than I am already with dealing right now... All I ever hear will be nonsense and nothing else... Why did I dream of you? You were suddenly in my dream and I don't know why... I missed you but didn't think of you much until the dream... But nevermind... I will live on... No matter what... Life goes on... Oh wells...
Monday, November 28, 2011
Everyday, I struggle to get over you... Everyday, I struggle so that I don't have to be in pain at the thought of never seeing you again... Everyday, my life revolves around you... But you will never have a clue about the things I'm going through right now... The pain I am going through right now is something I thought only others go through but never me... But now, I realize how painful it is... How sucky it is... How I would stoop really low just so that I can see you again... But now, I realized after you said all that, I am never gonna see you again... I am never gonna smell your perfume again... I am never gonna rest my hands on your back or your baby's tank again... I am never gonna smack your arms again... I am never gonna be able to call you mangkuk again... I am never gonna watch a movie with you again... I am never gonna eat face to face with you again... I am never gonna go out with you again... I am never gonna go to the arcade with you again... I am never gonna grab my thighs against yours while pillioning you again... I was mistaken that you wouldn't treat me the way the other guys did to me... You are the exact same copy... It was a mistake to tell you that I like you... You said you will still treat me the same but now... What's the awkwardness? I never felt awkward... I'm a very straightforward person... I guess, you will never know that now... I kept crying at night and I don't know why... Is it because of you or something else? However, despite all that, thank you for being there when I needed someone... Thank you for sending me home on your bike (thrice) and your car (once)... Thank you for the movie treat and dinner and drinks and arcade treats... And thanks to you, the journey back home will never be the same again... But it's okay... It will all gradually be gone... Finally, thank you for letting me know you better... I've had a wonderful time... I wish you good luck in your future endeavours and if I see you again in future, I know I will never acknowledge you... I'm glad i've known you... Thanks for the memories again, good or bad... I'm letting you go as I did with the others... Because I will always be the one to let people go... Bye!!! I'm sorry... I'm sorry for crapping to you about nothing else except the problems I am facing right now... And it all concerns boys... I was so lucky to escape boys trouble during primary, secondary and poly days... But I guess, I can't escape it forever aite... Nobody told me it's gonna be this hard... I thought I can handle it but I guess not... My mum did told me to be wary but I didn't listen... How foolish and silly and naive of me to think that all these will never happen to me... Learn from mistakes and move on.. Hello? I am a perfectionist remember? I want to do it once and do it right... I will move on no matter what... Life goes on no matter how painful it will be... People who know me know nuts about me... People who don't know me know nothing about me... So basically, no one knows me better than me and my mum... Work sucks, as usual... I am still contemplating as to whether to stay on for move on... But the pay is shiok ah... Wasted if I move on... But seriously, I can't stand it anymore... The people, the workload, the environment and the management... I wonder if things will get better or get worse in future... I have no one to turn to for help anymore... Help with boys, help with my life, help with my work, help with my mental sickness and help with the evil within me...Yeah, I am sick... Mentally... I toy with people, I manipulate them, I push them to their limits, I am never serious, I always have the tendency to be mean to people even though i appear very nice and kind, I am always angry even though I put on a happy smile, I inflict pain on myself then I will feel better, I keep quiet about a lot of things so that others don't have to worry about me and people don't surprise me anymore... I am sick, mentally... I need help but I think, I should be able to hold it... Until one fine day when you see me with bruised fingers...
Thursday, October 27, 2011
I don't want tears down my cheeks anymore... Or even tears welling up in my eyes... Everytime I think about you, tears just starts to cloud my eyes... I don't want any of these anymore... Nobody told me all these is gonna be this painful... Nobody warned me... All these must always come with warning signs... Hugeass warning signs that says, BE VERY CAREFUL WHEN YOU ENTER!!!! Damn it all!!! I just wish that somebody will stab me through the heart with an army knife... I don't wish to see you anymore... Maybe after everything has settled and stabilized... I will never know how long I will take to recover but I will... Gradually... It will always take time... I guess, in the meantime... I will have to suffer in silence then... I shall pretend that I'm okay, pretend that nothing is happening, pretend that everything is fine and that I am moving on... I will put a smile on my face no matter what... Even if tears starts welling up, I will smile... I don't know why I never told you straight in the face... I did that twice before but somehow, something just stopped me from saying what I wanted to say... And I regretted it... Luckily, I have your number... I don't know what I might have done if I didn't... I've known you for 1 year plus already but I didn't actually know you until this year... I wonder why... I guess, one night shift made a lot of difference... Maybe life is playing this trick on me... Just to see if I can endure this... Nevermind... I will get through this no matter what... It's painful and heart-wrenching and irritating an annoying but I will and shall do this... I just want you to know that I get jealous whenever I heard or saw you talk to other girls... I know... Why should I be jealous when you are not even mine to start with kan... So what is wrong with me... I don't want to feel this way but I can't help it... I hate not being able to control my feelings... I hate it whenever I can't control anything... Whatever I do, wherever I go, whenever the time is, all that's on my mind is you... I am going crazy... Maybe it's just a crush... It will pass... Hopefully... Insyaallah... But I don't know why this time, it hurts... Real bad... When I'm awake, you are on my mind constantly... When I'm about to fall asleep, you are on my mind again... When I open my eyes, you are on my mind again... When I'm in the shower, you again... When I watch tv, you again... Lucky not in my dreams... If not, I seriously don't know what else to say... Sometimes when I eat also, you again... I'm doing my best to hide it all... The pain and suffering so that others will never know... But it's okay... Because I know I can and will get through all these no matter what... That's how I console myself through the years, through all those hard times that people will never know of... I know I will only get stronger... In the meantime, pelan pelan kayuh eh... Those memories of you sending me home is still etched and fresh in my mind... But I know that every bit of the memories will slowly fade away no matter what... The routes that we took... What we did... How I felt the first time you sent me home... How my whole body ached... How you smell... How I love putting my hand on your back and poking you with my elbow with my hands on the tank and smacking you whenever you are being a mangkuk... How you listened to my nonsense and rantings and bitchyness... Thank you for saying that we will be good friends no matter what... But right now, I can't see you as a good friend... I have to stay away from you for some time, I don't know how long though, so that these feelings will go away... So that I can keep calling you mangkuk without ever blushing... So that I wont get jealous whenever I see or hear you talk to other girls... So that I am me whenever I see you or hear others talk about you... So I guess right now, I have to be distant to you... I will be tempted to SMS or whatsapp you but I will do my best not to do that... I can and will do this... Pelan pelan kayuh kay...
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